Grief lingers

I sit here trying to work through my thoughts and feel what I’ve been blocking off for way too long.

They say life goes on after death and time heals all. The person who came up with that crap clearly has no clue. It’s just a line people tell you to make you falsely hope for ease.

The loss is still felt every day, you may not focus on it but it lingers there waiting for the chance to bubble up and just run like a river down your cheeks.

Bittersweet memories.

Like an organ transplant the body adjusts to the pain and foreign emotion.

You suppress the grief to cope with day to day, but ever so now again you give in to the feeling of loss and emptiness. You long for what was. You remember the good and the bad fades. You long for those good moments.

Nothing can replace what was. Nothing fills that void.

You just want to rewind and relive. Or wake from the never ending sad dream.

The reality that that person is irreplaceable haunts you.

When you marry young and are married for as long as I was, you grow with each other, learn together. You become accustomed to each other; moods, ways and habits.

When it’s gone you realize all those little irritations are the things you truly miss.

It’s hard.

You find yourself asking the question: Do I truly have the patience to relearn someone else again?

Is it even worth it?

You feel like in part like a toddler throwing a tantrum, ‘I don’t want this, I want what was’. You want to throw yourself on the ground and kick and scream, ‘Give it back!’.

So tonight I ask in prayer:

Meet me tonight my love
Meet me in the middle
Between today and yesterday
Where breaths were sweeter
And the sky was bright with hope
The music was old and melodic
The passions were strong and endless
The end was the last line of a movie
Now I know the needs of life
Its hunger for things of passion.
Looking down a tunnel
I seek the light
So meet me my love
Come meet me
Between today and yesterday
For today is too cold
And yesterday too warm
So meet me in the middle.

I still miss him dearly, I guess I forever will.

Things my husband’s death has taught me

I am sick in bed and using the time I have to reflect on what I have learnt since the passing of my husband.

Here are my views and opinions on what I have observed from him as well as after his passing. 

Life is short. Stop postponing things. Tell your loved ones how you feel before its too late. Forgive. Let go. Live for the now. Tomorrow is not promised. When you die the people you call friends forget about you and what truly mattered to you, the trivial things are all they will remember. Live so that you are remembered for character and not worldly things. Instill those characters in your offspring. Make provisions that your dependents are seen to. Keep your affairs in order. Have a will. Salaah (pray) more. Live for the Akhira (hereafter). Don’t neglect the important relationships. Make time for your loved ones. Spend less time on worldly pleasures. No one will take care of your family as you do. Do what you love and what makes you happy. Live for yourself and your immediate loved ones (these are the people who will feel your loss harder than anyone else), no-one else matters. Stay away from negativity. People will try to bamboozle you especially if you are a a woman. Everyone has opinions, not all are educated and informed. Live by your standards but guided by Allah (God) and not by those of others. 

These are but few.

For all those suffering silently, may Allah(God) make it easy on you.

Muze

We don’t ask for the test. But still it comes. And when it does, it is like the rain –fierce, cleansing –stripping us of all our complacency, our self-satisfaction, our forgetfulness. And, like the rain, our tears flow, taking us back to the prayer mat, back to the open hands, back to The One who sent the test, the only One who can release us and make us whole again. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal. Alhamdulillah for it all. – Naima B Robert