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Grief lingers

I sit here trying to work through my thoughts and feel what I’ve been blocking off for way too long.

They say life goes on after death and time heals all. The person who came up with that crap clearly has no clue. It’s just a line people tell you to make you falsely hope for ease.

The loss is still felt every day, you may not focus on it but it lingers there waiting for the chance to bubble up and just run like a river down your cheeks.

Bittersweet memories.

Like an organ transplant the body adjusts to the pain and foreign emotion.

You suppress the grief to cope with day to day, but ever so now again you give in to the feeling of loss and emptiness. You long for what was. You remember the good and the bad fades. You long for those good moments.

Nothing can replace what was. Nothing fills that void.

You just want to rewind and relive. Or wake from the never ending sad dream.

The reality that that person is irreplaceable haunts you.

When you marry young and are married for as long as I was, you grow with each other, learn together. You become accustomed to each other; moods, ways and habits.

When it’s gone you realize all those little irritations are the things you truly miss.

It’s hard.

You find yourself asking the question: Do I truly have the patience to relearn someone else again?

Is it even worth it?

You feel like in part like a toddler throwing a tantrum, ‘I don’t want this, I want what was’. You want to throw yourself on the ground and kick and scream, ‘Give it back!’.

So tonight I ask in prayer:

Meet me tonight my love
Meet me in the middle
Between today and yesterday
Where breaths were sweeter
And the sky was bright with hope
The music was old and melodic
The passions were strong and endless
The end was the last line of a movie
Now I know the needs of life
Its hunger for things of passion.
Looking down a tunnel
I seek the light
So meet me my love
Come meet me
Between today and yesterday
For today is too cold
And yesterday too warm
So meet me in the middle.

I still miss him dearly, I guess I forever will.

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To my baby boy on his 21st

I wish to pass on some advice of what I have learnt about manhood from your late father. On this, your 21st birthday, I want to acknowledge the lessons he taught me:
BE AN INDIVIDUAL: Don’t conform to what other people think you should be.

HAVE A STRONG WORK ETHIC: Go the extra mile. Don’t rest until the task is completed.

ADAPT: Don’t bang your head against a wall that is impossible to move. Acknowledgement and assimilation of a difficulty is sometimes your best option.

BE A FIERCE DEFENDER: God help anyone who harms a loved one.

LIGHT UP A ROOM: Have a contagious smile and infectious personality.

DEMONSTRATE GENEROSITY: Even the smallest gesture can have meaningful impact.

HONOR YOUR HERITAGE: Cultural roots are strong and deep.

BE TRUSTWORTHY: No one should doubt your dependability.

OWN UP TO MISTAKES: Excuses are the tools of cowards.

TACKLE TREPIDATION: Conquering a fear is euphoric.

BE A MENTOR: Teaching the next generation is a gift to eternity.

CELEBRATE JUBILANTLY: Life is meant to be embraced.

HAVE A GOAL: Resolve and determination will keep you on your path.

DISAPPOINTMENTS WILL HAPPEN:Picking yourself back up strengthens character.

BE NOTABLE: A little infamy can be a good thing.

TRAGEDIES MAY BEFALL: Allow your soul to grieve.

POSSESS COMPASSION: Empathy is a scarce necessity.

BE PROMPT: Consider another person’s time as important as yours.

PLAY NICE WITH OTHERS: You won’t always get your way. Deal with it.

CULTIVATE AN ATHLETIC DRIVE: Dedicate yourself to improvement. Strive for excellence.

TAKE PRIDE IN YOUR LEGACY: It’s your most cherished inheritance.

LAUGH until you cry.

LOVE to the heavens.

LIVE to make a mother (and father) proud.

Love,

Mom


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Things my husband’s death has taught me 

I am sick in bed and using the time I have to reflect on what I have learnt since the passing of my husband.

Here are my views and opinions on what I have observed from him as well as after his passing. 

Life is short. Stop postponing things. Tell your loved ones how you feel before its too late. Forgive. Let go. Live for the now. Tomorrow is not promised. When you die the people you call friends forget about you and what truly mattered to you, the trivial things are all they will remember. Live so that you are remembered for character and not worldly things. Instill those characters in your offspring. Make provisions that your dependents are seen to. Keep your affairs in order. Have a will. Salaah (pray) more. Live for the Akhira (hereafter). Don’t neglect the important relationships. Make time for your loved ones. Spend less time on worldly pleasures. No one will take care of your family as you do. Do what you love and what makes you happy. Live for yourself and your immediate loved ones (these are the people who will feel your loss harder than anyone else), no-one else matters. Stay away from negativity. People will try to bamboozle you especially if you are a a woman. Everyone has opinions, not all are educated and informed. Live by your standards but guided by Allah (God) and not by those of others. 

These are but few.

For all those suffering silently, may Allah(God) make it easy on you.

Muze

We don’t ask for the test. But still it comes. And when it does, it is like the rain –fierce, cleansing –stripping us of all our complacency, our self-satisfaction, our forgetfulness. And, like the rain, our tears flow, taking us back to the prayer mat, back to the open hands, back to The One who sent the test, the only One who can release us and make us whole again. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal. Alhamdulillah for it all. – Naima B Robert

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It still hurts

Today is one of those days where I feel the wind knocked out of me again by the grief wave which seems to rise just when you think you are surviving.

All of a sudden the loss is felt and you end up in the fetal position crying uncontrollably. 

It comes out of no where, no trigger or memory that spurs it on. You just feel this terrible feeling of being alone.

You don’t want to face this world alone. The daily trials of raising a family without the partner you created it with.

The questions play in your mind. Why did he give up on fighting to be there for us? Why was this God’s plan for you? Why? 

This was not your life’s plan. You never envisioned facing everything without them. Your heart feels like its breaking and you feel like it wants to come up and out your throat. 

Today I am not coping. Today I am not strong. Today I want nothing more than for him to hold me in his arms while I sob. 

Yes I have my kids, I am not alone, but I miss my life partner and today I want nothing more than to have him back again.

Today is not a good day.

So I will curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep and maybe tomorrow I will begin again trying to heal and taking it a day at a time.

It doesn’t get easier, you just get better at hiding the pain.

I still miss him😢

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A year has past

This past few days have been one of the worst emotional weeks I have encountered since the passing of my husband.
His death so close to my birthday. I remember my last birthday, how sick he was and yet how he tried to make it special. The memories come flooding back of that week that followed. The anxiety and stress that I felt then, I relive and feel it all again.

Sitting at the hospital whole day waiting to see him during visiting hours only, praying he would be okay and would be coming home. The heartache I felt seeing him on life support. The excitement I felt when he woke, giving me hope of recovery. His last words to me “I love you, my sexy minx”.

And I ask why? Why him? Why so soon? Why am I being punished? A lot of what ifs still pop up.
Don’t get me wrong, I know one cant change the past and that we have to accept things. We have to forgive ourselves, give ourselves permission to grow and move forward.
I know deep in my heart that all he ever wanted for me was to be happy, and me in the state that I am now would probably break his heart.
Question is how? You are torn between what was and will be. Positive I am sure, but …. how does one leave behind a love so strong and unconditional? He is a part of who I am. Our lives shaped what I believed love should be. Our kids are a positive reminder of what and who he was. All good morals and ethics instilled in them.
No one could ever truly understand that.
So how do you move on? What is acceptable? By whose standards?
It is a chapter that cannot just be wiped away cause it offends people. We did not have an ugly divorce, he was taken from me. I have grown this past year, though some may feel I have not. I have learnt to deal with things alone. Things like pain and heartache, crying yourself to sleep with no one to hold or comfort you. Kids reaching milestones and no-one with a common interest in them as a parent to share it with. Yes you can share it with friends and family but it is not the same. These are the kids you 2 struggled to raise together.
There are no widow guidelines on grief, no day is the same.
So in order for me to grow and move forward, I shall only embrace people around me who can accept and embrace that this man is a part of me. Love me for having a big enough heart to allow space for you in it too. Grow with me, be there for me on days when the grief hits me full force but be secure enough to understand.

Do not expect me not to talk about him or the memories.
I will always look back on that chapter of my life with a smile and pain that the chapter had to end. But I am thankful to him for everything. For the unconditional love he had for me. For our beautiful kids. For the wonderful memories, both good and bad, all lessons in life.
I am ready for this journey, alone or with people who truly love me.

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Forever 41

I sit here, emotions doing somersaults. Not sure what to say but needing to release it in some way.

We miss you and no it doesn’t get easier, some days we are just able to cope better than others.

We visited you on Monday for Eid. Your princess made you cards, 1 for Eid and 1 for your birthday. She insisted we put them by your grave.

This morning was filled with tears as they longed to be able to wish you.

Thank you for the memories, for the laughs, the joys and even the tears. Thank you for our kids and the morals you instilled in them. Thank you for being a great dad, husband, brother and son. You are honestly dearly missed by all those close and dear to you.

Happy birthday!

A lesson to be learnt, never take the ones you love for granted for tomorrow is not guaranteed and all you wanted to say will be left unsaid and you will be left with nothing but regret.

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Lost

I visited you today.

I know your soul is not there, that it is a place for your bones to rest. I hope you felt me. I came to pay my respects. 

I’ve been putting it off, I guess a part of me still wanted to hope you coming home.

I hope you heard me. I’m sorry for crying.

We still miss you, still love you. 

I still feel your presence, sometimes. And know that when I feel safe, its you.

It was hard to see and know you lying there. 

I know all I can do is make duah and please know I do.

I will come again soon. And maybe this time our daughter will be ready too.

I make duah you are at peace and that The Almighty grant you Janatul Firdous.

Love always

I told death that not even she will keep us apart, my love will keep you alive, in my heart, my mind and actions, I will honor you for the rest of my life until death comes and takes me with you.


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A wish sent to heaven

Happy Anniversay Fagri…

Today would have been 18 years but 6 months ago you were called home.

All I have are memories. Beautiful, funny amazing memories of the years I was blessed to have you as part of my life.

Thank you Fagri! For the amazing man that you were and for the lessons you taught me along the way. Thank you, for our amazing kids. They are now my beacon of light keeping me grounded.

There is a lot I wish I said, and each day in prayer I ask that you hear them now.

My dream of growing old in companionship with you, now no longer there. I will endeavor to fullfill your wishes and keep your memory alive. I cannot forget you for you are a moulded piece of who I am today.

You have made who I am. You guided me through good and bad. You protected me. You taught me passion, patience and perserverance. You loved unconditionally. You loved me.

I miss you!

Forever more you will be safely tucked in my heart. I see you in our kids, in features and character.

Thank you for being mine. And thank you to your parents for raising such an outstanding man.

Love and miss you always

Your widow

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The Yin Yang Theory

Another first in our household since hubby’s passing. Its our little miracle’s 7th birthday. For those who know my blog, you will know that he is on the autism spectrum.

I look back today on the challenges he has faced, that I have faced, that we have faced and I am proud. Of him, of us, of me.

Losing his dad at such a young age, I was worried the effect it would have on him. But, alas, this little gem has just grown from strength to strength. His dad would be so amazingly proud of him. Often than not he is my strength and helps me through.

It’s 6 months since his dad has passed and it’s as if it has spurred him to grow in leaps and bounds. Wish his dad was here to see him now. Wish he was here, so I could let him know we have been given the go ahead to send him into main stream schooling.

Hence my Yin Yang title. For with every bad situation there is a good. We might not see it or understand the logic in it but it is there. We just need to take a step back to appreciate it and not just focus on the negative.

Fagri, thank you! For blessing me with our amazing kids, for instilling in them what was important. Thank you, for the life we had. We still miss you.

Often, the truly great and valuable lessons we learn in life are learned through pain. That’s why they call it “growing pains.” It’s all about yin and yang. And that’s not something you order off column A at your local Chinese restaurant.

FRAN DRESCHER

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